Sailor Moon: American Kitsune, Chapter 1 - This is it. This is the motherlode. This is the centerpiece of the Texts section, and also what may be the definitive Gonter-Work. For those of you unfamiliar with it - SM:AK is the work that earned Gonterman his reputation as a racist, and is also something he harps on constantly. It got him ostracized by the Sailor Moon fandom and basically, it was a colossal failure. It went over like an abortion in a Disney cartoon. And with good reason - having just skimmed it I can tell you that this is one of the most mind-meltingly atrocious things anyone has ever written. He reveals his thoughts on race relations, homosexuality...and what he reveals will blow your fucking mind and stomp on the fragments. Often quoted, frequently referenced, and dreaded, this is American Kitsune. If there is a literary hell, you are one click away from it. The link above will take you to Chapter One, and the rest are below. There will be no writeups for them, and they are presented as is - no MiSTing, no edits, no endnotes. You are about to experience pure, undiluted GonterTerror. This infernal horror was sent to us by Jen White, whose contributions to the Shrine are unmatched and unimaginable - we would not be here if not for her. Whether this would be a good or bad thing is up for debate, especially after you read SM:AK.
The rest of the chapters: 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 ...and may God have mercy on your soul.
The Kissing Contest - A truly insipid piece of I don't even know what. I made the mistake of actually reading this, and I really quite regret it. In the beginning, David tells you what story he
Storm the Castle - From the Firestorm universe, it says here. Usual tripe. Pretty bad. Not a surprise, I am aware. Jen White sent this one in.
Firestorm: Ground Zero - At the end of the Kissing Contest, Davey talks about his Firestorm series, as an X-files style thing with him and Pocahontas. Storm the Castle, I believe, is one example - here's another. It's as bad as it sounds. Probably worse. Sent in by - who else? - Jen White.
Gonterman MiSTS the Burned Fur Manifesto with a little help from...um. - This piece was donated by M.H., also known as Root (a forum regular on Portal of Evil) and it's got backstory. Gonterman seems to be a closet furry - specifically he's into anthropomorphized animals. (For further reference, see FoxFire comic). A splinter group called Burned Fur formed to speak out against - uhh...I'm really not sure actually, as near as I can tell they don't like perverts mixing in with the normal healthy people who beat off to naked Looney Tunes. Makes sense. Anyway, they wrote a manifesto and he responded to it by MiSTing it - although for some reason, his partners for it were some guy called Trey Tackett, and, um...wrestling personality Stephanie McMahon. I'm seeing that he knew the Tackett guy (he co-wrote it) but...Stephanie McMahon. So that's what this is. It's a .txt document and will open in a new window.
Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and Metal, Chapter One - I'm sorry. I can't follow this shit. It appears to be a Sonic the Hedgehog fanfic, except that it's not about Sonic so much as a guy called Davey Crockett (hint: Guess who Davey Crockett is supposed to be). However, I suggest you read at least as far as the part where the king of whatever land this is asks Davey for help and he lists as his qualifications that he has beaten the Sonic video games and read the comic and seen the cartoon. This series also comes to us from Root and Jen White, and will also open in a new window.
(Addendum: I've found out what the big deal was, with some help from my girlfriend Isobel - this story centers on Gonterman's self-insertion character losing his arm - it gets blown off by a black man who is angry that Gonterman's ancestors enslaved his. This is part of what earned Gonterman his label as a racist. I can't make shit this good up.)
Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and Metal, Chapter Two - More of the same. In this one, Davey has a cyborg arm, and it appears to have a data port, and someone uses this data port to access a net of some sort, and Davey says, "Surfing my forearm?" and everyone is surprised that he would know such cyber-slang. I'm not kidding.
Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and Metal, Chapter Three - If you're not sick of Blood and Metal yet...
Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and Metal, Chapter Four - Somewhere in this series of stories, apparently, Gonterman does something controversial and rather dumb. I wouldn't know, though, because either I lack the attention span to read on or my brain won't let me, as a defense mechanism. Anyway, maybe it's this one. Why not look and see, hmm? (See above. -ed.)
Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and Metal, Chapter Five - It continues...
Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and Metal, Chapter Six - Still more...
Sonic The Hedgehog: Blood and Metal, Chapter Seven This is the last chapter of Sonic the Hedgehog: Blood and Metal. Version Alpha, anyway - there are two others, which should be here soon enough. Yes, it's the series so nice he did it thrice, and Baby Jesus hasn't stopped crying since.
Mouse Worx! - Holy. Fucking. SHIT. Complete and total insanity on a scale you won't be able to imagine until you've read it. Let me see if I can't sum it up...hmmm...I can't sum it up. Er...it's got Mickey Mouse (sounding about as in-character as Jennifer Love Hewitt playing Lady Macbeth), the WCW, Gonterman's flagship character Jonathan Brisby putting the pipe to Gadget from Chip n' Dale's Rescue Rangers, and a plot (and storytelling style) that makes approximately no fucking sense whatsoever. I think it starts off with something about a chat room...er...or Disney...or a disclaimer...or, uh...just read it, okay? It was sent to us by Boaj, Lord of Cashews.
The Rangers of NIMH - "Chip 'n' Dale's Rescue Rangers by The Walt Disney Company Any attempts of lawsuit from The Walt Disney Company *will* result in the immediate roboticization of their entire cartoon population, starting with Mickey!!" And it only gets worse from there. The Rescue Rangers meet Jonathan Brisby, and hilarity ensues. It's as bad as it sounds. No, it's worse. Sent in by Root, Jen White, and Yang Neumann. I think.
Gonterman 3:16 - Sent in my Boaj, Lord of Cashews. In which Gonterman bitches and moans about Christ knows what. Mostly against being treated unfairly by people who think his work sucks. The philistines.
A Time of Honesty - Some sort of Davey Crockett thing, set in the Blood and Metal universe. Notable for a few reasons - for one, Davey talks about sex an awful lot in this one, and for another, it's dedicated to the parents of Emily Smith. It seems Gonterman was involved in some way with the girl, but she was way too young and he was, well, he was Gonterman, and though I'm not sure what happened between the two, if you look hard enough you can find this selfsame Emily declaring that Gonterman destroyed her faith in the Internet. So have a look. Sent in by Jen White.